NFL to Ban Tackling in Upcoming Season

According to an unnamed high-ranking official, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has decided to ban tackling for the upcoming season, a major step forward in the continued effort to prevent head injuries amongst NFL players.

Hot reporter Erin Andrews
first reported the story.

Sexually attractive ESPN reporter Erin Andrews was the first to report the rule. Actually, Adam Schefter was obviously the first to announce the news, but the NFL figured that its high volume of male fans would take the news better if Andrews broke the story. 

"This is a move that simply had to be made," NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said. "Groundbreaking research continues to prove the extensive damage caused by repeated brain trauma. Head injuries have been directly correlated to diseases such as depression and Alzheimer's. As commissioner of the league, I cannot continue to risk the health of the players any further." 

Although specific details of this landmark new rule are currently unclear, reports indicate that players caught tackling or initiating "unnecessarily violent contact" with other players will be punished with hefty fines and even unpaid suspensions. Goodell says that the league will strictly enforce these new rules, and players who make tackles even considered borderline in nature "will not be given the benefit of the doubt." 

Goodell also indicated that concussions will be "automatic season-ending and possibly career-threatening injuries" regardless of whether or not the player is cleared to participate in football activities by team doctors. 

"The facts on concussions are truly alarming," Goodell told the media. "Once a player suffers one concussion, research shows they are up to four times as likely to receive a second one. Therefore, players who suffer concussions will now have to seriously consider ending their football playing careers." 

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell attempts
to explain his puzzling new rule.

The stunning move will almost certainly alter the landscape and gameplay of future NFL games. Commissioner Goodell was questioned about how he envisions future games will be played without tackling, an aspect considered instrumental to how the sport was played.

"That is something we're still working on," Goodell replied. "There are certainly plenty of options. We're currently researching the most cutting-edge flag football technology on the market to see if they will be applicable. Two-hand touch is also definitely in the mix." 

Goodell does not believe that the popularity of the NFL will be reduced due to the new rule.

"The fact of the matter is, people still love to watch football," Goodell stated. "Football is deep within the blood of Americans. Every Thanksgiving, millions of people play touch-football in their backyards to great enjoyment. I think the same enjoyment can be had watching professionals play touch-football. I certainly enjoy watching other men touch each other."

In fact, Goodell hopes that the rule will encourage fans to take a new outlook on their lifestyles in general.

"For some absurd reason, people love violence in sports," he said. "Fans argue that their favorite player getting jacked up is an integral part of the game. In my opinion, it was nothing more than a sickening and disgusting part of the game. People need to take violence completely out of their lives, and that change starts here with the NFL." 

The reception of the shocking news by the players has been overwhelmingly negative. Word out of Pittsburgh indicates that hard-hitting outside linebacker James Harrison, who has been fined multiple times for his aggressive play, has already begun to file his retirement papers. It appears that he won't be the last player to hang up the spikes this offseason.

"I play in the NFL because I'm a fucking man," Cowboys linebacker DeMarcus Ware said. "This rule is ludicrous. My job is to deck the shit out of people. They're basically taking my job away."


"If I wanted to be a professional bitch, I would have taken up golf," Cardinals safety Adrian Wilson added. 

Source: The Courtmaster

BYU's Davies Blasts Fredette for Abstinence

Former BYU Forward Brandon Davies, who was recently dismissed from the team due to an honor code violation, lashed out at former teammate and star player Jimmer Fredette early Tuesday night. Davies, the team's leading rebounder, was kicked off the team this week for having premarital sex with his girlfriend. It was a devastating blow for a team that was challenging for a number one seed in the NCAA tournament. 

Brandon Davies

Davies, in a heated interview with the media, claimed that Fredette "pussied out" on him and was "an absolutely terrible wingman" during the previous weekend. 

Reports indicate that Fredette and Davies were out partying on Saturday night at a local bar. Witnesses say that Davies, who was heavily intoxicated, told Fredette he was "sick of being a virgin" and "wanted to finally fuck his girlfriend." Fredette, who was also intoxicated, apparently promised Davies that he would also have sex with someone that night. They both agreed that their experiences would be worth the possible consequences from the school. 

In the end, only Davies ended up following through on their ultimatum, and only Davies was dismissed from the team. Fredette, who did not receive punishment for in-season drinking, finds himself on the wrong end of a friendship gone awry. 

Jimmer Fredette

"He completely bailed on me," said Davies, who was clearly enraged. "This is the same guy who always had my back. I couldn't believe it. He not only lost some serious respect, but some serious bro points as well. I don't think I'll ever forgive him." 

"I didn't intend to make such a strong promise to Brandon," Fredette responded. "I was completely trashed that night. I really had no idea what I was saying. That should be excuse enough." 

Jackson Emery, Fredette's senior partner in the backcourt, was saddened by the school's decision to dismiss Davies. "I can't believe that they would actually boot him off the team for something so trivial. It's something that every college kid does. Besides, it was his girlfriend. It's not like he nailed some hooker on the street and got an STD."

However, Emery did point out some positives from the situation. "In the end, Jimmer is still on the team, which really helps our chances to make a run in the tournament. Plus, I honestly thought Jimmer was gay, so it's good to know that he actually does like girls. But really, have you ever heard of a guy named Jimmer who was straight?" 

Straight or not, Fredette certainly has a lot of pressure on his shoulders knowing he was partially responsible for his teammate's dismissal. 

Source: The Courtmaster, Andrew Picchietti 

Breaking News - Wade, James Become Facebook Official

Dwyane Wade and LeBron James have officially tied the knot. Reports from early Tuesday indicate that Wade and James are now 'Engaged' on Facebook, confirming widespread speculation that the gay ballplayers were dating. 

"Once it becomes Facebook Official, it's the real deal," head coach Erik Spolestra said. "There's no going back now for them." 

"We felt that this was the perfect time to make our love public," James told the media. "After spending twenty minutes crying in D-Wade's arms after our loss to the Bulls, I just knew that he was the one. It was a feeling I've never quite experienced...well, except for his dick ramming against my prostate. That's pretty good too." 

The news was the cause of much excitement within the Heat locker room. 

"This is fabulous news," Udonis Haslem said as he observed practice. "Their chemistry is going to be so much better on the court now that they don't have to hide their arrangement." 

"Let's be honest, we're not playing well right now," reserve forward James Jones said. "This is just the spark we need to get back on track."

After the news broke, media attention quickly turned to third-wheel teammate Chris Bosh's reaction.

"This is such bullshit," an infuriated Bosh said in a conference call. "After all I've done for LeBron this past year, he fucking pops the question to D-Wade. Who's crib did he go to with help for his decision? Mine. Who gave him handjob after handjob to soothe him? I did. Who gave him that beautiful suit jacket as a welcoming gift? I did. This is devastating."

Bosh missed Tuesday afternoon's practice, citing a 'family emergency' for his absence. However, Zydrunas Ilgauskas, known as the 'man who never lies,' claimed he saw Bosh leaving the team's facility in tears, ripping what appeared to be photographs of him and James.

Asked about their expected relationship with Bosh, Wade said, "To be honest, we don't really care what he thinks. He basically sucks balls, and he looks like a fucking lizard." 

"We've been considering kicking him off the team since he went 1-17 in that travesty of a game," James added. "Hopefully he'll take the hint now." 

James said that they have not yet planned the date for the wedding, but it will "likely be after we get raped in the playoffs." 

As for the rest of the NBA, reception to the news appears to be mostly negative. Joakim Noah of the Bulls was quoted as calling them "a pair of enormous faggots". However, a few players have given the two positive feedback.

"I'm thrilled for them," openly homosexual forward Richard Jefferson said. "Hopefully this will be a breakthrough for gay athletes in professional sports. I can't wait until I can find my own husband."




Source: The Courtmaster

Breaking News - Former Star Biedrins Taken Into Custody

Current free agent center Andris Biedrins was arrested early Sunday morning for public drunkenness, public urination, sexual harassment, and disrupting the peace in his native country of Latvia. 

At approximately 2:15 in the morning, Biedrins and his entourage were reportedly being 'unruly' and 'disrespectful' after a night of drinking at a local strip club. Eyewitnesses told police that Biedrins was complaining loudly about his recent misfortunes, challenging other citizens to games of one-on-one, using a variety of racial slurrs, and harassing the strippers. He was also caught urinating on a fire hydrant before his arrest. He was released on $10,000 bond. 

Biedrins' attorney did not answer questions from reporters. 

Biedrins, who was recently released after a short stint as a member of Elayne Hess's Tampon, is best known for his years of all-star performance in Lake County with the Coons. This year has been a struggle for Biedrins, however, as he has failed to live up to expectations with two different franchises. He averaged career lows in points, rebounds, and blocks during the '10-'11 campaign. He had frequently voiced his frustration over his play, and was visibly upset after his release from Lake County. 

"We are saddened by the news of Andris' arrest," said Andrew Picchietti, owner of the Lake County Coons. "We truly wish Andris the best with his future, and it is unfortunate that things have apparently taken this sort of turn. We had hoped that Andris wouldn't resort to drugs and alcohol. Hopefully he gets the help that he needs." 

Biedrins' use of drugs, especially alcohol, has been highly publicized throughout his years in Lake County, his alcohol usage frequently drawing comparisons to former Yankee legend Mickey Mantle. However, like Mantle, his play on the court seemed to dispell any questions about his lifestyle. Now out of a job, Biedrins appears to be struggling with the same issues. 

"He's a fuckin' animal," forward Greg Monroe said, referring to Biedrins' drinking. "I'll take a shot, and by the time I'm done chasing it he's already ripped three more. It's amazing. They must really know how to drink in Poland or wherever the hell he's from, because he'll even call you a pussy after he's done." 

"It's obviously unfortunate, but I think he'll be fine," starting shooting guard Stephen Jackson said after Sunday's practice. "I miss having him around the team though. Andris always got us the best kush possible. Now I have to blaze with Kirilenko before practices, and his weed really blows." 

Reportedly interested in coaching for the Lake County Coons following his retirement, Biedrins will likely have to repair his torn relations with the franchise if he wishes to do so. 

Source: The Courtmaster

Breaking News - Lake County Cuts Biedrins Loose

Aging star Andris Biedrins was officially released from the Lake County active roster on Monday, ending his tenure as one of the most celebrated Coons in the history of the franchise. The move likely ends the season for the 7-footer, as it appears unlikely that another team will require his services.

The veteran had an extremely disappointing season for owner Andrew Picchietti, who was expecting his star to carry the team in rebounds and blocks. Biedrins was a fan favorite during his years in Lake County due to his erratic behavior and enormous penis. He declined to comment to reporters as he left the team's facility. 

"This is a sad day for the Lake County Coons franchise," Picchietti told the media. "Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end. I want to personally thank Andris for all his contributions to the ballclub both on and off the court. He was a true leader and a model teammate, and his services will never be forgotten."

Picchietti realizes that there is likely to be some backlash from cutting Biedrins. Recent reports from Lake County cite that fans are devastated by the move. The Coons also lose an emotional leader on the floor and a positive locker room influence, despite Biedrins' inability to speak the English language. However, Picchietti wholeheartedly supported his decision to release his former star. "Andris is just not a part of the team's future at this time," Picchietti stated. "The team is not where we want it to be, and certain changes simply had to be made. This is a business, and the Coons must continue to look towards the future." 

"This is certainly a tough situation for the team," Coons forward Blake Griffin said before Wednesday morning's shootaround. "Andris was a savvy veteran and one of our leaders, but everyone else is just gonna have to step up and fill his shoes. We still have to play the Foreskins this week, and we can't allow this to be a distraction. Andris wouldn't have wanted that."

The departure of Biedrins leaves a large void in the middle of the lineup. Picchietti is hoping that recently acquired foreign center Marcin Gortat will break out now that he will be given more minutes. "He has a lot of Andris in himself," Picchietti raved of Gortat. "They're both big, tenacious, can't speak english, the similarities are endless." 

Source: The Courtmaster