NFL to Ban Tackling in Upcoming Season

According to an unnamed high-ranking official, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has decided to ban tackling for the upcoming season, a major step forward in the continued effort to prevent head injuries amongst NFL players.

Hot reporter Erin Andrews
first reported the story.

Sexually attractive ESPN reporter Erin Andrews was the first to report the rule. Actually, Adam Schefter was obviously the first to announce the news, but the NFL figured that its high volume of male fans would take the news better if Andrews broke the story. 

"This is a move that simply had to be made," NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said. "Groundbreaking research continues to prove the extensive damage caused by repeated brain trauma. Head injuries have been directly correlated to diseases such as depression and Alzheimer's. As commissioner of the league, I cannot continue to risk the health of the players any further." 

Although specific details of this landmark new rule are currently unclear, reports indicate that players caught tackling or initiating "unnecessarily violent contact" with other players will be punished with hefty fines and even unpaid suspensions. Goodell says that the league will strictly enforce these new rules, and players who make tackles even considered borderline in nature "will not be given the benefit of the doubt." 

Goodell also indicated that concussions will be "automatic season-ending and possibly career-threatening injuries" regardless of whether or not the player is cleared to participate in football activities by team doctors. 

"The facts on concussions are truly alarming," Goodell told the media. "Once a player suffers one concussion, research shows they are up to four times as likely to receive a second one. Therefore, players who suffer concussions will now have to seriously consider ending their football playing careers." 

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell attempts
to explain his puzzling new rule.

The stunning move will almost certainly alter the landscape and gameplay of future NFL games. Commissioner Goodell was questioned about how he envisions future games will be played without tackling, an aspect considered instrumental to how the sport was played.

"That is something we're still working on," Goodell replied. "There are certainly plenty of options. We're currently researching the most cutting-edge flag football technology on the market to see if they will be applicable. Two-hand touch is also definitely in the mix." 

Goodell does not believe that the popularity of the NFL will be reduced due to the new rule.

"The fact of the matter is, people still love to watch football," Goodell stated. "Football is deep within the blood of Americans. Every Thanksgiving, millions of people play touch-football in their backyards to great enjoyment. I think the same enjoyment can be had watching professionals play touch-football. I certainly enjoy watching other men touch each other."

In fact, Goodell hopes that the rule will encourage fans to take a new outlook on their lifestyles in general.

"For some absurd reason, people love violence in sports," he said. "Fans argue that their favorite player getting jacked up is an integral part of the game. In my opinion, it was nothing more than a sickening and disgusting part of the game. People need to take violence completely out of their lives, and that change starts here with the NFL." 

The reception of the shocking news by the players has been overwhelmingly negative. Word out of Pittsburgh indicates that hard-hitting outside linebacker James Harrison, who has been fined multiple times for his aggressive play, has already begun to file his retirement papers. It appears that he won't be the last player to hang up the spikes this offseason.

"I play in the NFL because I'm a fucking man," Cowboys linebacker DeMarcus Ware said. "This rule is ludicrous. My job is to deck the shit out of people. They're basically taking my job away."


"If I wanted to be a professional bitch, I would have taken up golf," Cardinals safety Adrian Wilson added. 

Source: The Courtmaster